and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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