Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
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i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
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who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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