I think I won the penis lottery.
My balls are so social today.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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