I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
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I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
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I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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