I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
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I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
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You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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