Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize