these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
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Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
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He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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