I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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