this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
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all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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