They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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