My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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