Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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