don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
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the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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