i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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