So drunk its hurt
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
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WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
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I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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