My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize