Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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