why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize