And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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