Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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