1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
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