dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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