My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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