So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
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If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
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You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My vagina is very pro this idea
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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