I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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