There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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