so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
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I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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