I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
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some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
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tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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