evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
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Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
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I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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