his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
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You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
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On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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