Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
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I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
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Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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