turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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