you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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