I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize