Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
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it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
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I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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