Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
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I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
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What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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