she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
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she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
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We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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