forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
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Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
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That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
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