oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
