just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
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I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
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I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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