I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
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your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
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Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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