Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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