Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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