Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
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Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
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"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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