Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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