I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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