He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
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I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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