There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
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literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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