Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
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Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
how drunk are you?
Several
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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