Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
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They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
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Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I think i got beer on your cat.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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