Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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